


attention span

by hongmunmu



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Canon, Bad Parenting, Comedy, Crack, Jealousy, M/M, Old Married Couple, One Shot, literally just bad people being awful for awful reasons but theyre so awful its funny, schemes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:15:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24225694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hongmunmu/pseuds/hongmunmu
Summary: Having Sasuke around has put some strain on the marriage.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Orochimaru/Yakushi Kabuto, Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto, ish. in the background
Comments: 10
Kudos: 80





	attention span

**Author's Note:**

> this is really really old but it was almost finished so i figured i'd just make it postable and forget about it. joke fic. didn't know how to end it didn't know how to title it. don't look at me it's a joke i just think otogakure is inherently hilarious

Kabuto thinks of himself as a farmer. 

A farmer with a very expensive wife.

Orochimaru has no shortage of enemies. They vary far and wide, scattered all across the Elemental Nations and beyond them; from the desert, from the sea, highborns and peasants, scientists, prisoners, ex-lovers, widows, these people are all pulled by revenge for one thing or another. After years of tracking and training they come to the hideout night after night, desperate for their one shot at vengeance against the villain who ruined their lives, and night after night, Kabuto dispatches them in one hit with Orochimaru none the wiser. Kabuto doesn’t tell Orochimaru how much unseen work he does for two reasons: firstly, most of the attackers are so weak Orochimaru could probably fend them off sleeping. Secondly, Kabuto needed it as argument leverage. And because if he told Orochimaru about it, he wouldn’t be allowed to resent him any more, so there was that. Kabuto is a better person than Orochimaru, anyway.

But often as these random, irrelevant victims come to tell their story in what they hope will be a triumphant moment of vengeance, Kabuto finds that the core of all their grievances seems to hook on one thing and one alone: Orochimaru getting bored. 

Sasori. Anko Mitarashi. Amachi. Danzo. Konoha. Orochimaru fixates on things and then discards them once the initial interest has faded, not unlike a child who is constantly on the search for new toys. Orochimaru’s attention span is the source of most of his grief. Kabuto’s grief, rather. 

And if Kabuto is going to suffer for Orochimaru’s attention span, it might as well benefit him once in a while. That seemed only fair.

So after yet another hideout is blown to pieces because Sasuke’s tea is too cold or he was woken up too early, after Kabuto is once more insulted and spat at by this insufferable spoilt brat, after Orochimaru blows time with Kabuto off yet again because  _ Sasuke wants to train,  _ Kabuto makes a decision: It’s high time that Orochimaru gets bored of Sasuke. 

It shouldn’t be hard, in theory. It’s been two years since Sasuke became their charge, and Orochimaru’s been fixated on the Sharingan for longer; all the way back to Uchiha Itachi’s defection. Would the Sharingan be useful? Yes. Was it worth putting up with Sasuke fucking Uchiha? No. 

No point complaining to Orochimaru, of course, because Orochimaru has a one-track mind that would make a goldfish laugh. Tunnel vision that blinds him to anything but that coveted thing, even the reasons he wants the bloody thing in the first place. And Kabuto was meant to be the one with bad eyesight. The man’s raving mad. 

Regrettably, though, Kabuto is more than a little in love with him, even if it’s for paltry reasons like a roof over his head and an incredibly good blowjob now and then. Sasuke on the other hand has no such redeeming qualities, and his mere presence cancels out anything that makes Orochimaru worthwhile, since he takes up all of his fucking time and attention. Orochimaru dotes on the brat, Kabuto waits on him. Well, enough was enough. There’s a lot of things that Kabuto would do for Orochimaru, but letting a teenage boy boss him around day in and day out for years isn’t one of them. 

He starts small. Little things intended to make things difficult in the form of tiny white lies. Example one: Tell Sasuke that Orochimaru was unwell and wouldn’t be training him today. Return to Orochimaru, tell him that Sasuke wasn’t interested in training today. Ensure the twain don’t meet for a few days. Thankfully, as the two most emotionally repressed people Kabuto’s ever met, they don’t talk about anything beyond how to use a sword, so there’s no risk of things unravelling there. Just a small twinge of mutual annoyance between them. All it needed was a push. 

Example two: Lower the esteem Orochimaru holds Sasuke in. Change the weights of Sasuke’s weapons now and then, so his prowess with them is thrown.  _ You were so proficient at this yesterday, Sasuke, I’m disappointed!  _ Sasuke, teenage boy that he is, angrily throws in the towel at the end of the session and shoves his weapons into Kabuto’s arms to be cleaned, and Kabuto just smiles meekly,  _ Better luck next time!  _ Victimless crime.

Example three: Worsen Orochimaru’s opinion of Sasuke generally. Break an expensive Ming vase that Orochimaru loved. Frame Sasuke. Trail in mud all over the expensive carpets. Say Sasuke didn’t wipe his feet after training. It’s Kabuto who has to clean it all up, of course, but it’s worth it. 

Despite all of Kabuto’s best efforts, though, Orochimaru shows no signs of breaking. Infinite fucking patience. Infinite ability to put up with terrible situations. Perseverance. His worst trait.

Annoyance doesn’t work, not when it comes to Sasuke, so Kabuto decides one day to try for a different tack. The idea comes to him when Sasuke’s voice starts breaking and the hormones kick in; he misses training for real that day, no fabrication on Kabuto’s part necessary, and Kabuto finds him sulking in his room with a mirror, examining an outbreak of pimples. He hides it as soon as Kabuto comes in, of course, but Kabuto knows. 

“How are we doing this morning, Sasuke-kun?” he asks, knowing full well it wasn’t good. Dirty.

“Get out,” he says, predictably. Unusually polite today. 

“But you’ve barely touched your breakfast this morning,” Kabuto says, in his most condescending— sorry, sympathetic— tone. “And you aren’t dressed. Shall I tell Orochimaru-sama you won’t be training today?” 

Sasuke grunts an affirmation. Probably too embarrassed to talk. Resisting the urge to actually rub his hands together like a fly, Kabuto gingerly steps in, taking a seat beside Sasuke on the bench. 

“Whatever’s the matter, Sasuke-kun? Something I can help with?” Wheedle, wheedle, pry and needle. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Sasuke mutters, as fast as he can. It’s not fast enough; he squeaks towards the end. Kabuto gives him a knowing smile, trying not to appear  _ too  _ happy, which he very much is. His golden ticket out of this awful situation: adolescent emotional turmoil.

“I think I know what’s going on here,” Kabuto says, clasping his hands, then quickly unclasping them.  _ Not like a fly _ . “Sasuke-kun, it’s all perfectly natural—”

“Don’t,” Sasuke says immediately. “Do  _ not _ . Shut up and fuck off.” 

“It’s very helpful to talk these things through, Sasuke-kun.”   
“I said out.” Sasuke glares and points at the door, a pimple on his forehead positively glowing.  _ Like a third Sharingan!  _ Don’t you dare laugh, Kabuto. Do not laugh whatever you do. “Out!”

“All right, Sasuke-kun. But if you change your mind, you know where to find me.” 

Kabuto suppresses the uncontrollable hysteria until after the door is shut, and slides down the wall to a squat before an unattractive snort of laughter escapes him; he has to physically stifle himself with his hand, lest the little prince hear him. Priceless. Pity Orochimaru was so incredibly humorless about the whole thing, because Kabuto is really feeling the lack of a comedic partner for this; they had always been quite a duo when it came to mocking people. The  _ amount  _ of inside jokes they had about Sasori. 

“What’s so funny?” comes a female voice, and Kabuto lets out a small shriek, falling flat on his ass to the cold stone floor. Guren. Fucking Guren. 

“Nothing,” Kabuto says, mirth entirely gone. “None of your business.” 

Guren raises an smug little drawn-on eyebrow, hand on her hip, and jerks a thumb at the door to Sasuke’s quarters. “Something to do with the brat, was it? Share with the class.”

“Go back to painting your nails,” Kabuto snaps. 

“Touchy,” Guren remarks, and struts off, hips moving unnecessarily from side to side as she goes. Unbelievable. Kabuto really wishes he hadn’t slept with her that one time.

*** 

“Orochimaru-sama, we have a problem,” Kabuto announces, bursting through the double doors. Orochimaru is stark naked by his wardrobe, wrapping fabric about his chest. At Kabuto’s entry he pulls up a towel to cover himself. 

“Kabuto, if you don’t mind, I’m getting dressed.”

“With respect, Orochimaru-sama, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.” 

Orochimaru considers this for a moment, then shrugs in agreement, dropping the towel and continuing to bind. “Alright. What is it?” 

“As you know, Sasuke has missed three days’ worth of training,” Kabuto begins.

“Yes, I understand he came down with something?”

“He did, Orochimaru-sama, but it’s no cold.”

Orochimaru stops and stares, a look of shock on his face. “Heavens, surely not…?”   
“I’m afraid so.” 

Orochimaru shakes his head. “But he’s only… what, twelve?” 

“Fourteen. That is usually when it happens, Orochimaru-sama.” 

“Oh dear.” Orochimaru grimaces, and bites on a long black thumbnail. “Well, you’ll have to have a talk with him, Kabuto. Poor boy must be terribly confused.”

“That’s just it, Orochimaru-sama,” Kabuto says slowly, once again straining to suppress the smugness. “He won’t talk to me. He doesn’t respect me, you see. He explicitly said to me,  _ I don’t want to talk to you. _ ” 

Orochimaru sucks his teeth. “Well, you’ll have to find someone else, then.”

“There is no one else, my lord. Surely you don’t mean to have one of the prisoners talk to him?”

“No, no, of course not. Don’t be ridiculous.” Orochimaru paces back and forth, his white linen undergarment billowing behind him. “Are you  _ sure  _ he wouldn’t talk to you?”

“Positive, Orochimaru-sama.”  _ Hold it together. _ He can practically see the mental acrobatics Orochimaru’s doing right now. 

“Well… surely there’s someone? Guren?” 

“Guren is a woman, my lord. She wouldn’t know how to talk to him about this.” A pause. “He needs to talk to a man.” 

“Well, as you can see…” Orochimaru says with a sigh of relief, gesturing to himself, “I suppose I can’t talk to him about it either, then, can I? After all, I’m hardly a man.” 

“You used to be, even if you aren’t right now. It’s his body that’s changing, Orochimaru-sama. He’s in a lot of distress right now. He needs to know what’s going on.” 

“I really don’t like what you’re insinuating, Kabuto,” Orochimaru snaps, pacing faster. 

“He needs to have the talk, Orochimaru-sama. And I can’t do it.” 

Orochimaru paces some more, brows furrowed; he opens his mouth to speak, then closes it again, paces, raises a finger as if to make a point, then lowers it again. Eventually he stops, angrily tying his under-kimono closed and shrugging on a casual kimono.  _ Almost.  _

“Well, I don’t want to do it,” he says, a mix of frustration and pleading in his voice. Kabuto shrugs innocently.

“But I can’t do it, Orochimaru-sama. You see the problem.” 

“Don’t be patronising,” Orochimaru snaps.  _ So close.  _

“The only other solution I can think of,” Kabuto begins slowly, “Is… well, I mean, it’s a completely ridiculous suggestion, but if neither of us can help him through this, and he’s unable to focus on his training by the end of his third year… well, you might not be able to take him as a vessel after all. Perhaps returning him to Konoha would be best—” 

“You’re right, Kabuto, that  _ is  _ a ridiculous suggestion,” Orochimaru cuts in. “It almost sounds like you’re trying to throw the poor thing out.”

“Of course not. I like Sasuke as much as anyone, Orochimaru-sama, but I’m simply saying that—” 

“Sasuke-kun,” he interrupts once more, “Needs revenge against Itachi-kun, and we promised to help him with that. And  _ I,  _ need a new vessel. And Sasuke promised to help me with that. Are you trying to sabotage us both, Kabuto? Maybe I need to re-evaluate who I keep at my side. Sasuke-kun and I are on the same side, Kabuto. If you’re on my side, you’re on his side.” 

Kabuto groans, exasperated. “Orochimaru-sama, please don’t be so paranoid. I’m just saying that perhaps we’re out of our depth. There are plenty of other candidates for suitable vessels, and we aren’t his parents, after all.” 

“Sasuke-kun doesn’t  _ have  _ any parents, Kabuto, in case you’ve  _ forgotten.  _ And you’re so happy to give up on him. Have you forgotten what loss feels like, Kabuto? What if I had thrown you out when you were orphaned and on Konoha’s bingo books, just like you’re proposing to do to Sasuke now, Kabuto? What then? I meant for Otogakure to be a place that  _ nurtures  _ individuality, Kabuto, not spits on and crushes it as soon as it starts being a little difficult, and I will  _ not  _ go back on those principles. We are  _ not  _ Konoha, Kabuto.”

“He’s one brat, Orochimaru-sama!” Kabuto protests, wringing his hands. “Would you really see everything else fall just for a pair of Sharingan?! You’ve killed thousands! You’ve brought down kings, but abandoning one child is against your philosophy?”

“And now you’re throwing  _ that  _ in my face, are you?” Orochimaru seethes. “I don’t care, Kabuto. They can call me a murderer. They can call me a selfish, sadomasochistic madman. They can call me an inhuman monster, and they’d all be right. But the one thing I will  _ not  _ stand for is being a hypocrite, Kabuto. That is where I draw the line.” 

This conversation was really not panning out the way Kabuto thought it would. 

_ Don’t,  _ he tells himself, but he can feel the resentment bubbling up and over in a great tide. 

“Well, maybe if you paid a  _ little  _ more attention to me, I wouldn’t be  _ suggesting— _ ”

“Oh,  _ that’s  _ what this is, is it?” Orochimaru scoffs in disgust. “I don’t suppose it’s occurred to you that maybe, what with Sasuke-kun’s training, and throwing Konoha off our trail, and solving all the countless little problems that you and everyone else in this place are constantly whining about, all the while dealing with having half of my  _ chakra network severed,  _ I don’t have  _ time  _ for alleviating your  _ insecurities _ ? Maybe, Kabuto, just maybe, if you were a little bit more effective as my assistant, I’d have a few extra hours in the day to make you feel like a big man—”

“More _effective?!_ ” Kabuto spits, almost beside himself with rage. “You have no idea, do you? About all the things I do while you’re blissfully unaware?” 

“What on earth are you talking about?” 

Kabuto shakes his head, incredulous. “Do you know how many people want you dead, Orochimaru-sama? Do you know how many people have tried to kill you in the past couple of years because of things you did decades ago? I’ve lost count. Day in and day out since you went and lost your arms people have been coming here to try and kill you, all for perfectly acceptable reasons, but I took care of them, Orochimaru-sama! I considered telling you, but I thought, no, why worry him? I suppose I shouldn’t have bothered, seeing how little you care!”

“How little  _ I  _ care? Has it not crossed your mind that I can’t thank you for things I don’t know you’re doing? It’s not  _ my  _ fault you’re so sensitive—”

“I’m  _ sensitive? _ Would it  _ kill you  _ to say thank you once in a while? You’re the one who physically can’t bring himself to say the word  _ love  _ because you got rejected by an oaf twenty-five years ago and constantly make it everyone else’s problem—”   
“Don’t you psychoanalyse me, Kabuto, don’t you  _ start  _ down that road. Because I don’t want to dredge up the past, but if you push me, so help me, I will.” 

“It was a slip of the tongue,” Kabuto scowls, “It’s  _ not  _ the same thing as those emotional  _ issues _ .”

Orochimaru scoffs. “You calling me  _ Mother  _ during  _ sex  _ isn’t the same as having  _ issues? _ ”

“That’s it,” Kabuto hisses. “I don’t know why I even  _ bother— _ ” 

“Oh, yes you  _ do _ , Kabuto, you  _ bother  _ because I’m the best thing in your life and you’re just too scared to admit that you need me—”

“ _ I  _ need  _ you _ ?  _ You’re  _ the one who needs  _ me.  _ You’d be dead in the water without me cleaning up all your messes, practically carrying you to Tanzaku, I am the  _ only  _ one who’d put up with you and you don’t even realise how screwed you’d be if I left you—”

“Oh,  _ enough _ . I’m not going to listen to this. Get out, Kabuto, if you’re so desperate to leave.” 

“Fine!”

“Fine.” 

Orochimaru marches behind a standing screen, and Kabuto briskly exits the room, not slamming the doors but shutting them just loudly enough to make an impact. Obviously Orochimaru wouldn’t follow him, but you never know.

“Trouble in paradise?” says Guren, appearing from right behind the door as Kabuto closes it; he shrieks and jumps about a foot in the air. She cackles.

“You’re lucky I don’t—” Kabuto glares, eyes slitted in rage. “You’d best be glad that— that you’re lucky enough not to—”

Guren raises her eyebrow at him, smirking in expectation. Kabuto’s so furious he can’t think of a comeback. “You’re just— you’re just very very lucky.” 

“I’m shitting my pants,” she says dryly. 

“Your eyebrows look like tattoos,” he replies, lip curled. Guren’s smile drops; she scowls at him and stalks off. Probably to check her eyebrows. Small victories.

Kabuto’s two corridors away from his quarters when one of the doors opens a crack and Sasuke’s hand darts out, seizing Kabuto’s arm violently.

“Yakushi,” he says threateningly, “In here. Right now.” 

He sounds angry, even for him. Great. First his plan fails, then he has a fight with Orochimaru, and now Sasuke was mugging him. This really was the worst day of Kabuto’s life. 

Sasuke yanks Kabuto into the small spare room and slams the door shut; Kabuto hears the click of the bolt sliding shut. Fantastic. 

“I don’t have any money on me, Sasuke-kun,” Kabuto says tiredly, raising his hands, but to his surprise Sasuke isn’t holding a chidori to his throat. He’s sat on the spare bed a few paces away, and has his head in his hands. When he lifts it, Kabuto sees that he has in fact been crying, his Sharingan bright and activated in the dim room. “Wait, what’s…?”

“I think I love someone and I don’t know how to deal with it,” he says, sounding incredibly angry. Despite himself Kabuto resists the urge to smirk, both at his poor inconsistent puberty voice and how pathetically dejected he looked. There’s a bit of angry silence. “Well?!” Sasuke says suddenly. 

“You want advice on love,” Kabuto says, slowly. “From me.”

“Yeah, I don’t know, whatever, I guess,” he mumbles. 

“Oh, I see. This is about Naruto-kun, isn’t it?” 

“What? No. Why do— what made you think that? Shut up, four-eyes.” 

“Well, that’s no way to talk to someone you want advice from,” Kabuto tuts, moving to the door.

“No, wait, would you just— sorry, okay?” 

_ Atta boy.  _ Kabuto smiles demurely, and takes a seat at the edge of the bed. “Alright, then. So you love this person.” 

“Well, I don’t know if I’d—”

“Let’s not mince words, Sasuke-kun. This isn’t puppy love, is it? This isn’t a passing fling or a crush or some flight of fancy, it’s the real thing. Real love.” 

Sasuke pauses, then nods with a half-shrug, looking defeated. 

“You love him. He’s like the sun, shining brightly, always drawing you in. Like a moth to a lamp, right?”

“Yeah,” Sasuke mumbles. 

“He makes you feel like a moth, right, Sasuke-kun?”

“He makes me feel like a moth,” Sasuke agrees, rubbing his eyes. Utterly broken. Kabuto nods, satisfied. 

“So you love him. He’s a light, and you’re a moth, steeped in darkness, and no matter what you do, your thoughts go to him. You love him. And it’s never going away.”

Sasuke says nothing, sniffing.

“You want my advice on dealing with love, Sasuke-kun?” Sasuke nods weakly. Kabuto gives him a comforting smile. “Crush it. Forget about it before it’s too late and it’s sucked you in. It’s a weakness, Sasuke-kun, and if you’re smart you’ll cut it out early.”

Sasuke frowns, but seems intrigued.

“...Right.” 

“Yes, Sasuke-kun. You give him everything, everything you do, it’s for him. You give yourself over to another person, and what do you get back? Nothing.”

“Well, I haven’t really—”

“You watch him, wishing, wondering. You wish you were the one who’s with him now. All the time, thinking— if only it were  _ me. _ You stare at him for hours, hoping he’ll meet your gaze, and he never does.”

“Not… really, I mean, we haven’t seen eachother since—”

“And just  _ once,  _ you think! Just  _ once _ , if only he would  _ look at you!  _ Because he knows, doesn’t he, Sasuke-kun? He knows what you need! And he  _ chooses  _ not to give it to you!”

Sasuke just stares at him. Kabuto nods, the tiger slowly sheathing its claws.

“It’s cruel, isn’t it, Sasuke-kun?”

“Uh… yeah.”

“It hurts, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah. Yeah, it hurts.”

“That’s right.” Kabuto nods, and pats Sasuke on the back. “So forget about it.”

Sasuke sniffs, wiping his nose. “Right. Get out. And if anyone sees you, you tell them I was…” Another sniff. “I was in here giving you a wedgie.” 

Kabuto snorts softly, but nods in pity. Sasuke’s not done.

“In fact, give yourself one now. For proof if someone comes.” 

Kabuto’s face falls. “Sasuke-kun, I’m not going to give myself a wedgie for—”

Sasuke raises his head, and his Sharingan activate, glowing an angry red. Kabuto sighs, and reluctantly gives himself a wedgie. Sasuke’s still not done, and glares.

“Higher. I do them better than that.”

This has really backfired.

***

“One of your nemeses got in again,” Kabuto announces angrily, yanking a kunai out of his hip so the flesh can mend itself.

“Oh, that’s nice,” Orochimaru says, not listening; he’s lying propped up on his pillows, reading a kinjutsu scroll. “Which?”

“I don’t know!” Kabuto yells, throwing his hands up in frustration. “One of them! Everyone! Everyone in the world. They all want to kill you.” 

“All right,” Orochimaru says idly, still not looking up. “Thank you for taking care of it, dear.” Kabuto just groans, exasperated, and wipes blood off his leg.

“I’d rather you just didn’t make the enemies in the first place, you know.” He rubs at the stain, viciously. “Amachi, I think his name was.”

“Oh?” Orochimaru suddenly decides he’s intrigued (perhaps the scroll got boring), and sprawls out on the bed like a cat, rolling onto his stomach and coming to rest in an irritably slutty position. “What did you say?”

“I told him he was misguided and didn’t know the full story, obviously,” Kabuto says in a clipped manner, snapping off his surgical gloves. “Though privately, Orochimaru-sama, I would quite like to know what you did this time.”

Orochimaru shrugs and bats his lashes, idly playing with a lock of his hair in a demure display of feigned innocence. “I’m sure  _ I  _ don’t know. Maybe I rejected his advances, or beat him at mahjong…” 

“Really? The story he seemed to remember was more along the lines of you pulling the plug on a huge facility that had a lot of investors riding on it, and disappearing in the middle of the night.”

“Oh,  _ that  _ Amachi. Yes, well… I got bored.”

“They didn’t, evidently.”

Orochimaru frowns slightly, marring his carefully-constructed mask of seduction, trying to wrap his head around the concept of what other people felt. “Well, yes, but… I did, Kabuto.” 

He’s hopeless. Kabuto sighs, chagrined, and shakes his head; Orochimaru bats his lashes and rolls over, indignant. “If they want to spend all their time making fish people, that’s their business, but don’t drag  _ me  _ into it.” 

“It was your idea.”

“A bad one, Kabuto,” Orochimaru says seriously. “Besides, I did a lot of cocaine back then. They should’ve really known better than to listen to me. There’s really only so much I can take responsibility for.”

“You still do a lot of cocaine.”

“Details.”

“Did you talk to Sasuke?” 

“Oh, you really wanted me to do that?” Orochimaru laughs. “No. No, I didn’t. But it doesn’t matter, because he left this morning.”

“He—  _ what?!”  _

“Yes, yes.” Orochimaru picks at his nails idly. “He said he was in love with Naruto-kun and he was going home.”

Kabuto blanches. This is obviously very, very good news, but it seems too good to be true.

“You just… let him leave?” 

“Well, it occurred to me that since I did the Shin experiment for Danzo, I could really very easily do it again, and Sasuke-kun has really very carelessly left his DNA all over the country. So there’s really no need for me to take his body, since I can grow a new one, and I’d hate to interrupt whatever little burst of individuality he’s experiencing. And on the off chance he actually beats Itachi-kun, he’ll get to live, too, so if the Shin clone falls through I can always just go get his Sharingan then. It all makes perfect sense, if you think about it, Kabuto.”

Kabuto’s jaw just hangs open.

“Besides,” Orochimaru continues, rolling over again, “The Sharingan really aren’t actually much of a priority. I mean, helpful, certainly, but if I’m going to live forever, there’s really no rush for me to learn every single jutsu as fast as I can, is there? I’m not sure why I was so obsessed with it, actually. The Byakugan is really much more interesting, what with its proximity to the Kaguya clan and all. Kabuto, why didn’t we go after a Hyuga, again? Well, anyway. I saw Sasuke-kun on his merry way this morning, and I wished him all the best with Naruto-kun and told him to write. Sorry you couldn’t be there, but needs must, right? So really, we should start thinking about this Shin vessel now. If it’s a success, that means we won’t have to worry about finding new vessels any more, which would save us a lot of time in the long run.”

“You got bored of Sasuke?”

“Oh, no! No, never. I got bored of the  _ Sharingan _ , Kabuto. There’s a big difference. No, it was really all just more trouble than it was worth. I’m a little disappointed you never pointed that out, really. You know what I’m like after a few lines. If only you’d said something, maybe we wouldn’t have wasted all this  _ time,  _ Kabuto! But it’s water under the bridge, so don’t worry about it overmuch.”

Kabuto wants to strangle him.

“I have a lot of objections to everything you just said, Orochimaru-sama.”

Orochimaru sighs, and turns to look at him, exasperated. “Do you want a blowjob?” 

“My objections have largely been addressed.”


End file.
